ripple effect

There is an embarrassing and unwelcome piece of life when coming down from a manic episode. Well, there’s many, but I want to concentrate on the one causing me most trouble these days. My motivation to complete my activities of daily living (ADL’s) is nonexistent. I was unaware until my last therapy and psychiatric appointment that ADL’s are a measure on the scale, usually one of the first things to go once someone is depressed. Personal hygiene also suffers; I know in my mind I think why should I shower when all I hope to do today is sleep?

The ripple effects my lack of care for myself and my home have are not on purpose. I would love to have a beautiful home, fresh cooked meals, all of it. I know these things would improve my mood and outlook, I just cannot find the motivation to get them done.

I was told at the beginning of treatment to expect it to take up to a year to find the right medications, but didn’t know it would include slipping into depression.

This weekend I handed my husband a quickly scrawled note: “A depressed home is no place for a five year old child.” I couldn’t muster the usual energy to go for a second hike, and it was breaking my heart. He gathered our son, and took him on a hike through our neighborhood. They came back talking of snakes, bunnies and toads. “Persythia (Forsythia) in bloom all over the neighborhood, mama!”

I’ve put too much of my depression on this home, and see it weighing my husband down. He’s trying as hard as he can to hold the home and us three up, but I am afraid he may crack under the pressure. It’s too much weight to carry. He works full time, and then comes home to clean after and before work. (Our house is not filthy just messy).

I’ve been promised a new plan for medications come Friday’s psychiatrist appointment. I’m hoping this works as quickly as the Depakote did; Lamictal it is this time. A mood stabilizer to bring me up from depression without sending me manic. For the first time I feel like I can trust a psychiatrist with my mental health; I agree with his treatment plan and goals. I am starting to feel like a guinea pig, and losing some hope with each med change, but I am so sensitive to medications. I’ll keep hoping one of these is my magic treatment which brings me back to me.

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