“I’m stabilising.” I said with conviction.
“Are you sure about that?” he asked with doubt in his voice.
I glanced down… pajama leggings, Dr. Martens, and thick black eyeliner. Color theme of shirt, sweater and leggings – black and gray.
“Perhaps not.” I said suppressing a laugh.
Mentally I am feeling more close to level, but this mixed state hell is indescribable. I have energy to do so much, the drive to do it; and the attention span of a flea while experiencing the worst bad mood ever. I’m belligerent, disagreeable and just downright ornery. I’m not good company now.
Used to be able to put a good face on to hide this state, but now? I’m unable to. I forgot how to fake it. I think it, and out it comes from my mouth. I would love to have my filter back, to not be so offensive, to care again. (And really, it’s not that I don’t… I do too much, when not here, if that makes any sense).
I’ve been reading all I can get my hands on about Bipolar Disorder, because that’s who I am. I research and become the expert, because who will advocate for us, if not ourselves? I have had two run-ins recently with doctors who lacked the ability to accept they were wrong; and have learned to be the best educated patient I can. I don’t care if it offends them; this is my body and my life.
Mixed states are the most dangerous; with them come impulsivity, depression, and an agitated state. Often times this is when those with the disorder act out most, causing the most disruption and destruction in their lives.
From New Hope for People with Bipolar Disorder by Jan Fawcett, M.D., Bernard Golden, Ph.D., and Nancy Rosenfeld:
These patients are often more impulsive and suicidal than those who experience the other forms of this disorder.
Often they are not capable of being cooperative in a relationship, have a very low tolerance for stress, and frequently express anger or rage. These symptoms can also be the manifestation of rapid cycling, which also occurs in patients with Bipolar 1 or Bipolar 2 disorder. (p.38-39)
Those doctors and psychologists who write these books and do this research really do have this state accurately described. However, I don’t think they are able to portray exactly how awful if can be. The pain in loved ones eyes that I’ve caused scars my soul. I know if I weren’t in such an ugly place I’d be crying, and not numb to the effect my careless, harsh words and actions have on my family. I’m fighting a mixed state for my life. Depakote is working hard to keep me here, and I’m forever grateful to the scientists that figured that one out.
So for the rest of my night? It will be spent coloring in adult coloring books, playing with thinking putty, and reading bedtime stories. Why? These things are the grounding activities which work for me. Writing is a phenomenal outlet, too; so here I am. I am a bit embarrassed to admit these are the activities which fill my days at 39, but they are keeping me safe; and somewhat grounded.
I’m looking forward to tomorrow, because I don’t have to wake up thinking like this. I can go to bed tonight, and wake in the morning with fresh eyes and mind; hopeful the day will be better than today.