Playlist 728: where it came from

So, I’m still here. 

I am still working on life. There’s been many things to keep me distracted; but blogging for me is therapeutic, keeps me mindful and able to ask for those things I need in life. Like help, before I fall apart. 

So I will be here regularly. 

This is an accountability post. I need to keep writing my number one priority, as it’s where I am able to find my center. I am not so certain people understand that, but perhaps the more I write, the more I share … the easier it is for me to find the words when speaking. 

I have filled my first Moleskine notebook, and am halfway done with my second, so I have been writing, just not blogging… (and yay to being a collector of them over they years! I knew I’d eventually pick writing back up). 

I’ve mentioned the emotional component of ADHD a few times. I have also mentioned how difficult it is to live with. I call it destabilizing. It rocks my world, and not in a positive way. I can get so low, so fast, and reach a point of believing I’m worthless… so I’ve realized I must be prepared, and with time, change my behavior and reactions. 

What has changed since last post? Well, my husband and I have been putting in some work on us, and have been living as mindfully as possible; towards ourselves, our relationship, each other, and towards our son. 

This past month has been beautiful. Our family is growing into our spot on this planet, and doing so with love and understanding. Had you asked me back in April if I thought we would ever have attained this, I probably would have laughed… bitterly. 

Instead, with guidance from my therapist; and wonderful advice from my husband, I am learning new ways of dealing with the world. 

My therapist has me working on a list of when I feel my best. I’ve filled a page, which is pretty successful for me. 

I’ve also found Zen Habits: Breathe “25 Killer Actions to Boost Your Self Confidence” quite an inspiration, helping me feel less awful. It still amazes me, after 3 solid weeks of getting myself put together well before going out the door – how small an action, yet such ridiculously positive results! I don’t hide my face, I smile more, look up instead of focusing on my feet… and lest you think this is a vanity thing, it’s not. It’s a self confidence boost. It’s to help me not feel so awful each day. To greet the day with hope instead of dread. So, I try. And it’s now part of my schedule. 

The point behind this post? I’m frightened of the next time… the next time I feel the “bad brains” coming to visit. It can, and often times does, ruin my day(s). So, between working with my husband and therapist, on how to be more confident, less dependent and just more balanced; I realized I needed an emergency plan, just in case. 

Sometimes, when something is needed, the universe gifts it, at just the right time. Avid reader that I am, I use my libraries e-book app, and often read on my phone. It’s by chance I find a great book; this day I decided I needed to start a plan? I stumbled on to the beautiful soul of Brene Brown. 

See?

An excerpt from Wholehearted: Adventures in Growing Up, Falling Apart and Finding Joy

Copyright © 2009 Brené Brown

Midlife is not a crisis. Midlife is an unraveling.

By definition, you can’t control or manage an unraveling. You can’t cure the midlife unraveling with control any more than the acquisitions, accomplishments, and alpha-parenting of our thirties cured our deep longing for permission to slow down and be imperfect.

Midlife is when the universe gently places her hands upon your shoulders, pulls you close, and whispers in your ear:
It’s time. All of this pretending and performing – these coping mechanisms that you’ve developed to protect yourself from feeling inadequate and getting hurt – has to go. Your armor is preventing you from growing into your gifts. I understand that you needed these protections when you were small. I understand that you believed your armor could help you secure all of the things you needed to feel worthy and lovable, but you’re still searching and you’re more lost than ever. Time is growing short. There are unexplored adventures ahead of you. You can’t live the rest of your life worried about what other people think. The time has come to let go of who you think you’re supposed to be and embrace who you are.
The midlife journey: an excerpt from wholehearted

Well, this was added to my toolbox; in fact, I took it and made it into a letter sized poster. I’ve hung one by the back doorway; as I tend to spend a lot of time out there when not feeling so balanced. Or when feeling overwhelmed by all the things. 

I hope to come up with a few more places to hang it; it’s life changing for me. I feel as if that one quote was able to release a crushing amount of self doubt and shame; while also confirming that I do deserve happiness. Each day, we are given the opportunity to begin anew. I am trying to adopt this view; incorporate it into my soul. 

One other item I added to my keep it calm toolbox? I perfected a playlist. No, no more angry music; just lovely songs. Songs which remind me of the beauty surrounding me, all of us. 

Music is therapy for me. I have always related to the poetry of the lyrics, the guitar/ string melodies; and most especially, the bass. I’ve mentioned this before, too. 

Over this past peaceful month, I’ve discovered (and rediscovered!) some amazing works of art. 

Jack Johnson has always been one of my favorites; he makes it all look so effortless, and he seems to have such a good soul. “From Here To Now To You,” his album released in 2013, has been sitting in my iTunes library for four years. I’m not sure if I’ve ever given it a listen. 

Again, this was another one of those universe gifts, appearing at just the time it was needed. 

“As I Was Saying” says all of it. That started this playlist. I am living that song, when my emotional impulsivity takes over. I feel like a Jekyll/ Hyde. I can actually see myself getting so upset; know in the moment it’s completely over the top; and be helpless to stop it. 

The shame which follows takes me out for days. So my hope is to calm these seas. We will see. 

As I Was Saying

Jack Johnson

As I was saying

Just before you left the room

Before I assumed

That you might not come around

As I was saying

Just after I took my foot from

My mouth and put it back

On the ground

I don’t want to disappoint you

I don’t want to disappear

From here or now or you

This is worth saving

Because the sum of us is more than us

If you add us up

Then subtract my lack of sleep

My mind feels crazy

When all these thoughts come rushing in

Should I be trusting them

Or only let them be?

I don’t want to disappoint you

I don’t want to disappear

From here or now or you

Is it just a matter of time?

Does it even matter at all?

Because even if this story should fall

From the sky to the sea

If I should fall

Would you fall down with me?

Would you fall down with me?

Found my foundation

It was underneath me all along

On this path I’m on,

Now I never walk alone

I’ve been erasing

Rewrote the second half like this

So my protagonist

Might find his way back home

I don’t want to disappoint you

I don’t want to disappear

From here or now or you

Not from here or now or you

Songwriters: Jack Hody Johnson

As I Was Saying lyrics © Reach Music Publishing

Playlist 728

3 thoughts on “Playlist 728: where it came from

  1. Beautifully expressed🌸I’ve always enjoyed Jack Johnson’s music, especially the song you reference and there’s another but I can’t remember the name🙃 Music can be so comforting. I’m also an avid phone ebook reader as I’m currently housebound with a chronic illness. So both books and music are total blessings to me right now. Hoping your day is best as can be and enjoy your book!

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s